[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
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Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.