Are you ok, human???
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“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Brother?
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.