Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
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Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I think we should hear other voices.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.