Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
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Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing