Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
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Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The little toadstool has spoken.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.