God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
You Might Also Like
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Can’t, holding a grudge
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
*launders Kohls cash*
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid