A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
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[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
What about second breakfast?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I hope this email finds you in a well
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn