My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
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me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why