I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Made something I’m not proud of
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.