Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
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Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Oh thanks BBC.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
#SaturdayBears
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware