I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Mood.. 😂
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive