Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
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Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Proofread twice, hang posters once
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
that de-escalated quickly
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
This is the one
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.