I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
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I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.