It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
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[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft