Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
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Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
*lint rolls you awake*
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???