Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
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If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I saw this ending much differently.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Birds & Planes.