If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
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[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Beware of the dog..
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*