Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
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[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Reporter: *ports again*
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is