*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Please do it!
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.