If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
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i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit