I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
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Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.