WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
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Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Thinking about Jeff
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long