“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
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hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”