You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
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My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.