You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Some people were born into their job.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion