[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
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Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.