Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
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My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old