Netflix: We have Less
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I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”