New comic up. “Ransom”
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H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
This will never not be funny 😭
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
“I FIXED IT!”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.