Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
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One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.