I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
You Might Also Like
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Meme Monday.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.