Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
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Put the is in disheveled
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
got so much cardio in today
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out