The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
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Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
How wrong was this guy?
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Me if I was a dog
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station