Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
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[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
lmao