Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
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My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
True statement👍😏😁
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
March 16
I wish I were this cool 😂
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees