ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
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How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Free him
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Is your wife single?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶