What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
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Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed