Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
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Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
My dog ate my work from home.