In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
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the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Cake safety first. Always.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.