Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
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Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
🤣😈🤣
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?