I’m about to risk it all
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Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.