Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
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wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Just me?
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!