*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
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If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I’ve had relationships like this
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
NOT all policemen are strippers.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.