I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
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Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Meanwhile in Portland…
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.