Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
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Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword