[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
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I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
If I ignore life will it go away?
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george