So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
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If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
You sure about that?
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
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Well, that should do it
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison