Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
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You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.