Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
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All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
S/o to @funTweeters .
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse