Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
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A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.